The Distracted Masculine
She craves my focus—my total acceptance of this moment and Her
My lover looks at me with tenderness in her eyes. She’s confused. She feels it. She senses my withdrawal. She notices my distance. She is carrying the weight of the present that I’m refusing to
How many times have I ignored this frustration or written her off as precocious or even demanding? How often did I suggest she busy herself too, like me?
In my relentless distraction, my Fast paced and frenetic exertion that left me depleted, and her anxious, I would wallow. I would hurt but harbor little hope for change. I wanted to be different but ultimately didn’t expect I could be. Wasn’t life simply everything all at once?
And how could she not understand? Why did she seem so stressed out? I found myself shutting down. Wondering why she wanted more attention or had become more “difficult.”+++
We live in a culture of chaos that demands utter fragmentation and praises it as multi tasking. Yet it is from this chaotic and vapid place that the distracted masculine emerges. And one of the great feminine complaints also comes from.
The Feminine will always feel totally stressed next to the unresponsive Masculine
When I speak to men they often wonder why their partners are stressed. She seems frantic somehow
She’s hungry For his attention or the bills to be paid or for the kids to be fed or for the situation to be dealt with or for his affection once more or for a chance to get away for a few minutes alone. And it’s difficult for men to encounter this. There’s a lack of understanding.
The Distracted Masculine
The reality is that there are so many things competing for our masculine attention.
The world offers a wide array of options and opportunities. The device I’m typing this on represents that truth perfectly. It is the final manipulation of evolutionary gestures luring me towards shiny, spinning and novel.
We are encouraged to want what we don’t have, to need more than what we are given, and to chronically live like hungry ghosts-never satisfied.
It effects us. Especially at a deep masculine archetypal place. What we do often call our “shadows” are rather underdeveloped or distracted qualities. We move too fast to truly grow.
Of course we all have masculine and feminine archetypes within us that we identify with from time to time. In this context I’m referring to men who tend more towards the masculine and women who tend more towards feminine energies
The distracted masculine has a stack of books that keep growing, while they’re never finished
The distracted masculine cannot admit to having power, abhors the idea of it, and therefore rather than cultivating the application of it, exercises it in sneaky or subtle ways.
The distracted masculine communicates in passive language that obliterates choice or agency. The world happens to them, even linguistically. People make them feel a certain way. Circumstances push them around. They are a victim of living
The distracted masculine doesn’t engage in community or intimate relationships for long. A year at most. Then he bolts. They are too fragile. Too broken. They have too many flaws. They aren’t his idealized fantasy. And because he denies his own force of will, it cannot possibly be changed. It is what it is. Irredeemable.
Most of all the distracted masculine is addicted to the notion that his likes and dislikes, and the values that have been conditioned into him are some how his self. He lives in a world where his ego cannot be challenged. It is iron clad. The ego cannot be questioned.
I’ve been there. Stammering in front of my lover as she seems stressed beyond measure and lashing out at me. She seems like she’s too much in that moment. She becomes a dark swirl of energy my distracted self must escape from.
When we are dealing with the mature masculine, his gift is total givenness, total focus.
But when he’s ABOUT many things, she can’t feel that. She can’t experience His penetrative expression. It falls limp
When the Masculine is lamenting the past, and activated by the future plans, she feels his distracted energy. He’s no longer given in the here and now.
He may be about his purpose, but the connection will be lost. Even if SHE is his purpose, and he is trying to please her, if he is about anything but total here and now communion—he’ll lose the connection+++
I remember asking for kissing advise when I just learning. My best friend at the time said something along the lines of “Become the Kiss.” That’s stuck with me. What I’ve learned is that by giving yourself totally the present moment communion you both receive pleasure+++
I’ve also learned the opposite lesson. If I’m not attuned—if I’m distracted or divided, she will feel it. If I’m nervous or planning or self conscious, she will feel it. The spell will be broken
The Holding Container for the Feminine
Until I remember that the Masculine creates the holding space for the Feminine. Her creative force is birthed from within the solidity of his Presence.
If He is diminished and unresponsive to the realities concerning her she is left ungrounded and untethered
She desires your masculine presence fully. She Longs to sense your unwavering compassion, your practical communion, in care and kindness.
This of course isn’t an invitation to solve Her. This is an opportunity To Hold Her. Allow your solar plexus to fill. Give yourself to the moment. Be totally focused on her and what she is attending to. Soften your heart and hear her.
The antidote to distraction is to attach to that which is solid. Even one thing. A love. A place. A venture. A breath. And return to this over and over and over. Allow it to be the avatar of the divine for you
Now here’s the secret for the masculine...if you want to be totally present and given, it begins with actually desiring what you’re doing.
You cannot force yourself, will yourself or work yourself into it. It must be out of your inner wanting. This is such a key masculine error. It thinks it can WILL it’s way into the moment. This actually simply destroys the embodiment.
Instead, relax into your desire. Let yourself be totally focused on it. Allow the willingness (as opposed to willfulness) to expand and in that moment, where there is no past regret or future anxiety, become love.
You wonder why she’s wildly stressed right now? Because you’ve made her thus. Your wavering back and forth has left her needing more.
Now, see her fully. Hear her completely. See your mirror.